Guess who’s back? It’s me, ready to break down your favorite — or not-so-favorite — moments from episode 3 of MTV’s Siesta Key. Let’s get started.

  1. CHLOE AND HER MOM ARGUE AT DINNER

So Chloe sits down to what she thinks will be a nice dinner with her mom and immediately her mom starts accosting her about her “anger problems.” Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about Chloe on this show — she may in fact have anger problems, but they haven’t been properly fleshed out for an audience! So her mom comes off a bit harsh here. And then Chloe utters one of my favorite lines: “I don’t feel like being attacked by my own mother.” It’s like, come on, Chloe, what are mothers even for?!

2. ALEX AND KELSEY SITTING IN A…BOAT

As you’ll note from our podcast, Kelsey and Alex are truly the most contrived pseudo-relationship the show has given us. She at least tries to appear that she likes him, but Alex doesn’t do much but have odd cutaways that make it seem like he’s lusting after her but may just be him looking pointlessly out into the water. Setting aside how she feels about Garrett, Alex and Kelsey have no chemistry. Let’s take a page from Mean Girls’ playbook: stop trying to make Alex and Kelsey happen.

3. THE MOST AWKWARD TEA HOUSE MEAL EVER

The Tea House is a wonderful and calming place in Sarasota, which is why I’m mildly angered that they decided to host this insincere “intervention” there. Amanda and Chloe ostensibly make up, although the narration VERY NON-SUBTLY hints that they will soon be frenemies again. I won’t spoil why just yet, but their three-way-hug, spurred by Juliette’s “Let’s hug it out,” is frustrating, to say the least.

4. KELSEY AND GARRETT BREAK UP…OR…NOT?

It’s only the third episode and already they’re trying to break up the only couple who mildly entertained me. In possibly the strangest break up conversation I’ve ever heard, Kelsey basically sets him up for it. “Would you be worried if I went away to Europe to model?” Garrett: “I’d be worried,  yeah, but we’d talk about it like adults.” Sounds great? Nope. Kelsey shuts down. That was the wrong answer. Now she’s crying and saying Garrett’s her best friend, which sounds like a break up line if I’ve ever heard one.

Wait. Just kidding. That sounds adorable!  Help.

Stay tuned for next week’s episode, where we will break down some more gifs.

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